"Take My Money, My House and My Car..."

...and while you're at it, take my dignity, too!

Unless you're strung out and "Feenin'" like Jodeci, most people wouldn't give all that up -- especially for some joker you're not even married to and hasn't at least shown you in some way that he'd give you the same in return. I'm speaking as a female here, but I'm sure this goes for both men and women, gay or straight.

Today, I am beside myself with grief (we are sharing a loveseat right now!). I can't seem to figure out why all these educated (which I could say "smart" or "intelligent" but...) females are getting wrapped up with jokers who not only don't treat them right, but who have nothing good to show for the 20+ to 40+ years they've been on this earth. With all the books and talk shows out there showing people getting taken advantage of every day by their spouses, friends, family, etc., why does it seem that when it comes to love relationships, all these educated people are dumb enough to put up with any ole crap that happens to get stuck to the bottom of their shoes?

Somebody, please help me understand. All I can assume is that they: (1) have low self-esteem and feel they can't do any better; (2) felt unloved as a child so now they take whatever "forms" of love they can get, i.e. believing "sex" equates to "love;" (3) are desperate to have children and think they're clock's going to stop ticking; or (4) are just lonely as hell and want someone around - even if it is only once a month for 2 hours.

Man, I can't call it. Don't get me wrong -- I've been there, too. I overstand what it's like to feel lonely and want some companionship or a man to just touch me in the morning before he walks away. Lord knows I've dealt with my load of bull-isht, and I, too, have kayaked in the river called De-nial. But it never lasted for long. I think the longest I ever dated a dude after I started seeing the signs of laziness, moochiness, and disrespect was just under 2 months and I thought that was too much time wasted. But I'm seeing women stay with these boys (can't call them "men") for years. I'm perusing the stories (both new and old) of friends and their relationships with men in my mind and I'm sitting here like Miss Celie, screaming, "Whyyyyyyy?"

Well, since folks might see this blog someday, I can't call anybody out. What I will offer is some common sense pointers that perhaps we just need to be reminded of.
I can't speak for everybody, but this is just my truthiness on the subject -- things I would never put up with.

I call this list: "When You Know He Ain't Right" (for me).

1. When he only comes over after 10pm and doesn't take you out in public.
2. When it's been over 6 months and you've never met any of his friends or family.
3. When he doesn't have a job or some sort of income for more than a couple months and you are helping to pay his bills/child support, and he shows no promise of finding employment and shows no guilt about taking your money.
4. When he is over 30 years old and owns nothing but some electronics (TV, Stereo, etc.) and has no savings in the bank.
5. When he does not have his own vehicle and you are in a city that does not have a subway system.
6. When he has lied to you about stupid stuff that have nothing to do with surprising you with a gift.
7. When his mama comes to his place every so often to clean.
8. When he is over 25 and lives with his mama, and she has no serious illness or need for him to be there. Caveat: Unless he says and can prove that he is saving for a home purchase or some other fabulis reason.
9. When he wants to move in with you as soon as he moves out of his mama house. OR if he wants to move in with you (into your place) within 3 months of meeting you.
10. When you find female clothing or other items that aren't yours in his home (Don't buy that, "That must be from when my sister/cousin was here" mess.)
11. When he has been "starting his own business" since you met him over a year ago and still has no business cards or clients.
12. When he orders "Merlot" with dinner and clearly pronounces the "t".
13. When you have to ask if you can use your own car whenever he's not using it. And, he never puts gas in the tank when he is driving it all the time.
14. When you gave him the drawz on dates 1, 2, or 3 and you haven't heard from him since via anything other than text message or IM (or he doesn't contact you at all)
15. When he is consistently late or standing you up and/or his only excuse is "I had to make a run."
16. When his cell phone rings off the hook after 11pm and he never answers it around you.
17. When his way of proving he's a good father is saying, "I send my child support every month," or when he sees his child less than every other week and lives in the same city. He should also be on the phone with his child at least once a day too.
18. When he never lets you come over to his place.
19. When he always turns the ringer off on his phone when you're together.
20. When he calls you out of your name (and it's not a cute pet name).
21. When you have fear around him - either fear of him, or for yourself or your child in general.
22. When you ask him to house-sit for you and you come home to find all your souvenir bottles of liquor you brought back from other countries have been opened and half emptied, all your plants are dead, your cats have no food in the bowl, your car (which you asked him not to drive) has french fries between the seat and center console that you didn't drop, your pet turtle is gone (most likely dead), the antique lamp your mama gave you is smashed to pieces and you're picking dried up pepperoni and pizza sauce out of your white carpet from all around and underneath your sofa.

OK, I'm sure I've forgotten some, so feel free to add more to the list. But consider this: Whatever you're putting up with now, won't change when you get get married. Really spend some time thinking about whether you want to put up with his/her behavior for the rest of your life. Some things that seem cute at first can end up buggin' the hell out of you. And only you can decide whether you can forgive him and trust him enough to believe he'll never do "it" again... whatever "it" may be.

Alls I'm sayin' is, you gotta love and respect yourself. Learn to be content with your own company. Do what you gotta do - hell, watch a movie, read a book or pleasure yourself (take that however you want to). But don't give up your dignity and let your low self esteem keep you in a relationship that is only draining you. C'mon, get your head right! You have to believe that you are a child of God and worthy of greatness - worthy of respect.

Some men take til they're 40 to get some Act Right. Some never do. But believe that there are some good ones out there. Make it the norm to expect that they come to the table with something. Not necessarily as much as you have, but at the very least, respect. If they truly respect God and themselves, then they will respect you as long as you've presented yourself in a respectful way (that last part is important!). If they really have that, they can't help but be hard-working, honest, loving and giving to you and on their way to greatness just like you.