To Get Pregnant, Or Not to Get Pregnant... That is the Question

SIGH. Some days I want to have kids. Some days I'm not so sure. I turn 35 this month: the age at which you become "at risk" for problems with giving birth according to the GYN's. We haven't even been married for a year but everyone's bugging us about having babies. I guess I have a combination of issues that make me unsure about having kids.

I wonder if I'm too selfish because I so enjoy having "me" time or "us" time with just my husband and myself. He travels so much that I cherish our weekends and look forward to going to movies or out to dinner or just doing whatever fun things we want to do. I know that those things all change once a baby comes.

I know that with Hubby traveling, I'd be taking care of the child myself a lot. Can i handle that? I don't know.

I also worry that I don't have the patience for a child. I love my 8 nieces and nephews but sometimes the noise and "work" of it all makes it hard to enjoy them. Perhaps I'm so used to just being alone with peace and quiet that my nerves are too easily rattled.

Am I over-thinking this? I do want kids. I just want to be prepared - mentally, physically and financially. But I wonder if that will ever be the case. Insights anyone???

Matrimonial Chronicles, Volume 1

I's married now! Yup, it's been 3 full months. "How does it feel?" people ask me. Honestly, not much different than before. We "shacked up" for a couple months before the wedding. I knew most of his habits, so I was prepared. We're good at accepting each other the way we are.. ok, HE is good at it. I think I need more patience and work. But I'm getting there and learning to choose my battles. But overall, marriage is suiting me just fine, and I'm diggin' it so far. Ask me again next year this time.

I'm starting these "Matrimonial Chronicles" to share my thoughts, observations, and challenges with being married. This week, I face one of my more... oh, what's the word... let's say more interesting challenges, for lack of a better word.

Hubby's parents are coming for their first visit. Well, the father came as a "surprise" a couple weeks after we got married before we moved to our new home but that was just for a couple hours. This time, the parents are both coming for an overnight visit and we're still unpacking from our move last week. I've never entertained them in "my space" before, nor have I ever cooked for them. I don't know why this is alittle unnerving for me, but it is. I feel as if I will be judged -- Am I keeping the home clean? Am I taking good care of their son? Cooking well-rounded meals.

I want to laugh at myself. I'm a great wife and treat Hubby with respect and loving kindness. I make dinner most of the time and have it waiting when he gets home. I send him off to work with a home-made lunch whenever possible. I keep a tidy house and i can't help it if we just moved in and things are still in disarray. Right? These people love me already... I have nothing to worry about. But I am... alittle bit. How will I get everything unpacked and put away on time? Should I hire a cleaning service to help before they get here? What do I cook? Do I go get a Costco rotisserie chicken and chocolate chip cookies and pass them off as my own and just make a few sides? LOL. OK, a tad extreme -- I know. It'll be interesting, I'm sure. I'll keep you "posted".

So Very Thankful

A wonderful thing happened to me the other day. I gave someone $10. I pretty much never tell anyone when I give to charity. It just makes me feel better when I give in private -- I believe there's something about that in the Bible, too, about giving when no one sees you. I've given to many a homeless person on the street -- sometimes when I've been walking or sometimes at an intersection when they come up to my window -- mainly if they seem to really need it (no Jordans on their feet!) and don't have alcohol on their breath. I don't do it every time but more times than I can remember, I've given a dollar or two.


But this was different.


Lately, I had been feeling like I was losing touch with God. I had also been feeling like nothing good was happening to me and everything seemed so tough -- relationships with family and friends, selling my homes in DC, my hair had been falling out like crazy, and everything was stressing me. I hadn't been giving my time to prayer and meditation and had become obsessed with finding a new house for us and selling off some of my other properties in DC. I was getting discouraged because in a sluggish market that's supposed to belong to the buyer's right now, we had put 3 offers on houses and didn't get a contract yet. All three were houses we would've loved to live in but it just seemed that nothing was working out. I began to feel like God was mad at me for not giving him the time and attention he deserves -- although I could never give Him enough and certainly as much as He deserves!

Since I gave my life to Christ in 1996, I always felt God's hand on me. Things seemed to come to me so easily -- opportunities, jobs, the increase and prosperity. I'd always had friends and people around who loved me and wanted to spend time with me. But lately, I'd become discouraged increasingly negative and on Tuesday morning, after we lost another house we'd made an offer on. I told Hubby that I needed to get my spirit right because I was feeling disconnected from God. Like His favor wasn't there the way it used to be. Things had been so challenging for the last several months and nothing seemed to be falling into place.


After Hubby went to work, I was cleaning up and getting ready for the day and just dropped to my knees by the bed and prayed.... hard. I asked God for direction and wisdom. I told Him, I knew it was His will that we didn't get the last house or the houses we'd bid on before, and I asked Him to give me a clear sign when the house He did want for us came along. "Let me be able to know that it's what You want for us and where You want us to be."


Well, on Tuesday afternoon, I happened to be doing my usual online house search and by accident, a home popped up in an area that we'd not even considered. It was priced alittle higher than our price range, but looked really nice in the photos. I sent the listing to our realtor and asked him about it. He said it's a good area and that he could show it to us on Thursday evening. Later that day the hubby and I drove out to the area and checked it out. We were really digging it, but what were the chances the sellers would come down on the price to our limit?

On Wednesday, the hubby found out he was going to Australia for work and had to leave Friday night. Therefore, the rest of the week was going to require that he work late to finish the work on the current project. When Thursday rolled around, he tried, but was unable to get off early enough from work to come with me to see the house.

Before I even walked in, our realtor said, "[Hubby] would love this." And when I entered, I knew he was right. And I loved it too. I took tons of photos, but as I went around I realized this house had everything we really needed and a lot of nice-to-haves that we didn't expect... more than we asked for. My first sign was that the previous owners had left some beautiful Asian artwork on the wall when you first enter. Well, if you didn't know, I'm half Asian. I collect a lot of Asian home furnishings too, so of course I was feeling it. The second sign was that the house was painted in the colors I had wanted to decorate my next home in, and we would have very little editing of colors to do. This included ALL the rooms - even the master bath and bedroom.

Next I went upstairs. A symbol that has been permeating my life for the last couple years that I feel represents the hubby and I are palm trees. I love them. They make me feel at peace and remind me of vacation (see entry on wanting to live near a body of water) and how much we love to travel, which has been a passion of both Hubby and mine for years. He and I have traveled almost exclusively to tropical places in the last 2 years - we met in Vegas, cruised in the Bahamas, the Virgin Islands, Hawaii, and our honeymoon was in Thailand. For our wedding, the symbol we used on our invitations, gifts and souvenirs was a pair of palm trees, and we had 20 palm trees brought in for our rehearsal dinner and palm trees surrounded our ceremony and reception on the beach in Alabama.

Well, would you believe I walk into the bonus room upstairs and there are two floor-to-ceiling palm trees painted on the walls along with a mural of the world map? I know that couldn't be anything but GOD. That was Thursday evening.

Fast forward less than 24 hours later. On Friday, around 6pm, just after the hubby left for the airport, we were officially under contract for the house at $5,000 UNDER our price limit. More than we asked for! God is amazing.

The next day is when I ran into this man at the post office. He was terribly smelly and in need of a bath, clothing and as I would find out later, food. He was also a bit mentally and physically handicapped -- perhaps a victim of a stroke. He came in as I was standing in line and loudly yelled, "Good afternoon". I quietly said, "Hi," but he repeated himself boldly even with his slurred speech..."GOOD AFTERNOON!" Finally, everyone turned and looked at him and the postal workers behind the counter looked up and said, "May we help you, sir?" The man then asked, "Anything I can do for a few dollars? Can I do some work or something?" And he was answered with a resounding, "No, not today." Perhaps this man has done this before, I thought. He went on his way and left.

I next went to the nearby grocery store for a few things. When I walked in the gourmet food area, I see the same man sitting on a motorized wheelchair-cart staring into the glass case where the hot food (fried chicken, mashed potatoes, mac-n-cheese, etc.) is. He was just staring... longingly staring. I pretended to look at some cheeses in the nearby cold case but watched out of the corner of my eye as the man from behind the counter came over and put on his plastic gloves, opened the case and took out a hot chicken wing. He then walked around to the man and handed it to him. The man devoured it.

Wow, I thought. That worker probably only makes a bit more than minimum wage and just risked his job to give a hungry man a chicken wing. Had a supervisor seen him, he'd probably be in deep trouble. I immediately looked in my wallet to find that the smallest bill I had was a $10. Oh well, I thought... maybe I'll get change after I buy my groceries and see if he's still around. So I walked on.

I then walked through the little Starbucks Coffee stand which was there inside the store and a beautiful silver holiday mug caught my eye. I turned it over. $8.95. I started to put it in my basket, and thought, "What the hell am I doing?" I can put a mug that would cost $10 with tax in my basket, but I can't give a hungry man money because I don't have smaller bills? AND my husband and I were just blessed with a new home worth hundreds of thousands of dollars, and God still gave us the gift and ability to carry my other mortgages for my houses in Maryland and Virginia until thye sell. Where is my heart? Where are my priorities? What is wrong with me?

I immediately put the mug back on the shelf and turned on my heels to head back to that man in the hot foot section, and if I didn't find him there, I was going to hunt him down. He was still there and I marched right up to him and said, "Sir?" and he turned to me, and I just handed him the $10 bill and without thinking said, "God blessed you." And with the most sincerity, he looked right into my eyes and said, "Thank you." In actuality, God blessed me right then. More than I asked for.

The next day, I found a church I absolutely love where I think I will really feel at home, and it's not far from the new house. Then I went to lunch with a new friend in Atlanta -- two things I had been praying SO hard for! We go to settlement on the house next week -- just two weeks after first seeing it! This week, the sellers are fixing all the things we asked them to fix after the home was inspected. More than we asked for.

What I learned (and really already knew) and what I believe...

1. Changing the world starts with one small random act of kindness.
2. Whatever you give with a pure heart, will come back to you ten or even a hundred-fold. And if ask for anything in His name, He hears you. Maybe not in the time that you want it, but when the time is right, He'll answer.
3. Stay in His favor and keep the faith through the rough spots, and He will give you more than you ask for.

Thank you, God. Thank you, God. Thank you, God.

Why Did I Get Married?

Y'all know I loves me some Tyler Perry. The man is truly a talent of this decade. Me 'n Madea go way back -- like bucket seats.

Well, with all the new hype surrounding Tyler Perry's latest motion picture production, Why Did I get Married? (in theatres this weekend) and after watching the Oprah show promoting it, I thought I'd share my own personal thoughts and at the same time give some insight and observation of my first month of marriage.

I have to say the number-one reason I wanted to be married was for the companionship. As I've gotten older, I seem to have fewer and fewer friends. Fewer people I trust, and fewer people I feel I can do things with and really be myself with. I wanted that one person I could rely on and just be ME with and not worry about whether they would still like me or love me if I did something they didn't like. I wanted someone that I could feel safe with, who could hold me when I needed to be held, or share my throughts and life experiences with -- whether good or bad. A spiritual partner. A road dog. A confidant. A best friend. Someone I coulg grow with and who would help me to be a better person. Someone to love me for me. Someone for me to love.

I also wanted someone who would be a good father for my future child(ren) because I do want a family. A guinea pig for my new recipes. Someone with some muscles for when I need some furniture moved around. Someone to take care of the car and take out the garbage. You know - those manly things. LOL.

I thank GOD that I found all those things in my Gushy-bear. He is all those things and much more. I'm not going to go on and on about how wonderful he is and how he constantly tries to be the best man he can be for me. But there are just a few things I want to say to all the looking ladies -- a few things that may tip you off to whether he'll make a good husband or not:

Make sure you find someone who tells you you're beautiful even when you've put on weight, have no make-up on and have morning breath. Make sure he doesn't mind helping with the dishes or washing clothes or cleaning up after you if necessary. Find someone who will pop a pimple for you or just smiles when you make a stinky, instead of shunning you for the funk. If you want kids, see if he doesn't mind babysitting your seven nieces and nephews. Make sure he loves his family as much as you love yours. Make sure he has goals and dreams beyond anything he already has achieved. If you value education, make sure he READS -- and I mean something other than magazines on how to outsmart the latest Playstation game.

BTW, The Why Did I Get Married soundtrack also sounds like a must-have. You can sample it on the website too!

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Saw the movie Friday night. LOVED IT. By far, Tyler's best movie production yet. A couple slow spots and alittle over acting in some areas... maybe alittle too many tears even. But overall, we loved it. This is a definite for the DVD collection! 8.5 of 10 stars!

Heffa, Say What?!?!

As I'm still on this theme of friendships and rationalizing how selfish people can be, my sister has asked me for a guest list for our engagement/farewell/bridal shower party she's throwing me and Mr. Hi-Fi before the migration to ATL. So, I'm going through my contacts list and come across those few people who I feel I don't really want to invite but it's kinda political and would be awkward if I don't. But who cares cuz I'm moving away, right? RIGHT! For the most part, I throw out all the names except for two... I have history with them. We had some good times. They've been there for me back in the day. But for whatever reason they did things that hurt me. Maybe not intentionally, but they hurt me. And after I expressed my hurt, they did it again. So I distanced myself and only speak to them once in a blue moon. I rationalized it by saying, "Well, she is just a very flirtatious, touchy-feely person and maybe she wasn't consciously thinking that she was flirting with my man," and, "Well, she was going through her own thing and just needed time to herself, so she probably doesn't mean to be sometimey or cut me off like that (then come back when she needs something)." So maybe I should invite them... Hmmmm.... I'm a punk, right?

How many chances do you give someone before you write them off completely? The Bible says to forgive 70 x 7 times. Shooooot. That's being called a fool, ain't it? And then there's the thing where I can forgive but not give them the opportunity to hurt me again... but that to me is not true forgiveness if you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable again. Well, anyway as I struggle with the decision to invite, or not invite, I thought I'd share this poem I wrote on an occasion with one of these "friends" hurt me. See what you think... would you forgive?

Heffa Say What?!?!
© October 28, 2005

It was raining like mad,
He dropped me off at the front door
Then came in a few minutes later
As drool from her lips hit the floor.

As he walked up and took my hand
she said, “I’d do him anytime, any day”
And then looked at me as if waiting
For whatever it was I had to say.

With daring in her eyes
She looked right in my face
And I turned toward her
And lessened our in-between space.

I wanted to say “Hold up,
don’t make me have to kick your butt,”
But all I could think to say was
Heffa Say What?

My girl told me one day
“I have a confession I’m making”
But what she should’ve said is,
“I have an obsession with taking.”

It seems she accidentally tripped
And fell on my man’s chest
Said she was just playing
And didn’t mean to be all on his breasts.

Said they were tight and hard
But it didn’t mean nothin’,
So MY chest got swole and tight
And I started huffin’ and puffin’.

So with fire in my eyes
And daggers on my lips,
I calmly watched her sashay away,
And she playful switched her hips.

I wanted to send her
Ever so quickly down south
With a nice, firm,
open-handed slap in the mouth.

But I’m a Christian
And that wouldn’t be the Godly thing to do
But what I said wasn’t enough
And I can’t be made out to be no fool.

I wanted to say
Watch out now, Don’t get cut
But the shock only left me with the words:
Heffa Say What?

She giggled like I was joking
And it was no big deal
Little did she know
My feelings weren’t about to heal.

I shoulda cold-cocked her in the jaw
or punched her in the gut,
But all I could think to say was
Heffa Say What?

This wasn’t the first time she did this,
And I knew she knew better,
So I had to accept the fact,
That who I called “friend” was indeed a heffa.

What I did perhaps wasn’t tough,
And what I said may have seemed weak
But to this day I’m thankful
That I’m still in one piece.

Cuz women can be violent,
Nasty and mean,
But I still got my dignity and my man,
And my self esteem.

I’ve realized people will diss you,
And respect is not a rule,
And you can’t always be the one
To take folks to school.

So if your ego gets bruised
By some skanky ole mutt,
Just remember don’t get mad at yourself,
If all you can say is Heffa Say what?!?!?!

Are People Inherently... Selfish?

I've always believed that people are inherently good. I've always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've made excuses for people who've done me wrong. I treat people the way I would want to be treated. AND I've been taken advantage of.

This should be the happiest time of my life. I'm engaged to be married, I have new adventures with Hi-Fi and the fun of designing a new home in a new place to look forward to. I am successful in my career and I have a loving family and loving friends... well... a few friends. As I get older, it seems that the people I can call "friend" are fewer and fewer. In a few weeks I will leave the DC area, which is where I've lived my entire adult life. It's alittle scary - picking up and moving to another state where I have only a couple friends. My saving grace is that my future husband will be there for me. But we all need friends -- preferably more than just one.

Today, what saddens me is that my sister has to come from halfway around the world - London - to give me a farewell/engagement/bridal shower party. True, she is my maid of honor and my only bridesmaid in my wedding, and that's what maids of honor do; but all my "friends" know she doesn't live here. Only one friend suggested she'd like to give me an engagement party back in February but I guess I didn't push it because I didn't want that financial burden on her. She and my other closest friend did take us to dinner, though, and I'm thankful for that. But where is everyone else? Where are all my girls to be happy for me? To go with me to try on gowns? To consult with on invitations and jewelry? To help me make those important wedding decisions? To help me pack my stuff as I get ready to move? To be sad and tell me they wished I weren't moving and they'll miss me?

I've always been a friend as best as I can. I'm there for people. I listen and I advise (when asked). I share my knowledge, my food, my home, my money. I've painted rooms, helped clean, given free design work, and treated to dinner when someone's pockets were tight. I send cards or gifts even when I never received one from them. I give rides and do favors and almost never ask for anything in return - and definitely nothing that would inconvenience someone. So, in my time of nervousness and excitement with a looming move and upcoming marriage, where are those who are supposed to be there to bolster me, love me, encourage me?

I dunno. You tell me.

I know people are busy and everybody's got their own "stuff" but are people so self-centered that they can't take the time to make a phone call or reach out to me? Do they think, "Oh, she's leaving DC, so I don't have to invest in that friendship anymore,"?

I've gotten to the point where I don't think people are so inherently good anymore. I'm starting to believe people are inherently selfish and all they care about is what they can get from you. I'm tired of getting phone calls only when someone needs something. How about returning my calls when I just want to see how you're doing? Or how about just calling me to see how I'm doing?

SIGH.

Well, nobody likes a pity party - especially me. I just really wonder: What happened to being a friend for the sake of friendship? What happened to being happy for the blessings of your friends instead of being jealous that you don't have what they have? What happened to caring and being there for someone? Is it this crazy money-hungry DC area that breeds this selfish way of life? Is it the commercialism and idea that "whoever has the most toys wins" and that we're all in some sort of competition to get to the finish line first? Is it all about how we were reared by our parents? Too many questions to answer that leave me wondering on that ole saying...

"A friend in need is a friend indeed." But there is also a Latin proverb that says, "If you always live with those who are lame, you will yourself learn to limp." I refuse to limp.

Thought of the Day

Happy Belated Valentimes Day to my Blogging Family! (Yes, I said ValenTIMES)

I hope you all had an enjoyable, peaceful, fun and/or romantical day yesterday. I also hope that you felt very loved and cherished by someone or many, just as everyone should. And if you didn't have a "Valentine" to call your own, know that you have your Self to love and treat better than anyone ever could.

I apologize for my slacking this week. I've been overtaken with preliminary wedding plans and a surge in work, in addition to my fiancee being in town. I just wanted to share this thought for all my Christian Sista-Gurls out there in their quest for the man of their dreams:

"A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek Him first to find her."

It may sound cliche but it's so true. I do believe that is what happened to me. My prince didn't find me until I had given up on men and found my joy in myself and love of my own spirit - which is the Spirit of God in me. Once you give up on the thought of a man coming into your life to bring you joy, and fall in love with yourself and appreciate where you are, the planets will align to put your soul mate in your life. Faith is hard to hold on to, but I promise, it'll be worth it. This goes for the men, too!

My First Crush Part 1 – “Eyes Wide Open”

Good morning, peeps and peepettes. I was inspired by a fellow blogger to write about my first crush. Again in the theme of leaving the old behind and starting anew, I thought I would write about it to symbolically "let it go." So here’s how it all went down…

In kindergarten, I met a little dark brown boy... Jarrod*. Jarrod had the smoothest skin I'd ever seen and the brightest smile south of the Mason-Dixon line. We were Mrs. Smith's star pupils - me, because I could already write "in cursive" and he because he was so articulate for his age.


Even at the tender age of 5, I was entrepreneurial. Jarrod would give me a Now-and-Later or a couple Lemon Heads (depending on what he had at the time) to write his name in cursive for him on a little piece of paper. He did this a few times and would show them to other kids and then began giving them out like business cards. He basically helped me start my first business, because shortly thereafter, kids began paying me a dime to write their names in script as well. And back in 70... ehem, the early 80's, a dime to a kid was a grip.

Well into first grade, Jarrod and I were thick as thieves, but there was a little white boy (we'll call him Jimmy*) who was pushin' up on a little sista, and at that time, I just went with the flow. Now, I wasn't trying to be a playa, but sometimes things happen. Unbeknown to me, Jarrod thought we had alittle sumthin' sumthin' because we would mostly hang together in class -- we even made sure when it was nap time that our mats were all but touching. Not to mention my little business venture afforded me to be caked up on a daily basis, so I would share the wealth with him freely come snack time.

However, during lunch, we hardly saw each other as I mostly ate with the girls and he with the boys. Back then, "Black" and "White" didn't really mean anything to us, so we had friends of both races. (I can't say all races because at that time in Southern Alabama, you were either Black or White. I don't remember anything in between (other than myself) until I was in Junior High.

One day, late in the school year, Jimmy talked me into going on an adventure towards the back of the school yard where the big oak trees were. We rarely ventured back there as it was mainly a stomping ground for the "big kids" -- you know, fourth and fifth graders. But on this day, I went.

Jimmy was a smooth talker, even through his gapped crooked teeth. While he was a scrawny, somewhat dirty-lookin' kid, I was a sucker for his compliments of my long, pretty braids and my red and yellow flowery custom-couture frock from the "House of Mama." I guess you could say this was my "rough-neck period."

By the time the lunch bell rang, my back was against one of those big old oak trees and he had pressed his lips up against mine – eyes wide open. I don't remember our bodies touching, but I remember he had a funny scent – bologna I think. I do remember that we ran back through the yard holding hands, sprinting to be inside before the late bell rang.

Well, this kid named Barney saw the whole scandalous episode, and word spreads quickly at Daphne Elementary School. By the time we made it back into class, everybody knew I had been ho’in’ around with Jimmy among the oak trees. I had disgraced my family name, but what hurt even more was how Jarrod stopped talking to me. He wouldn’t respond to my little notes and he ignored me at break time for the rest of the school year. No one knew why, and he wasn't telling - although there was some talk about him being jealous of what I did with Jimmy. [Background music: Cherrelle's "I Didn't Mean to Turn You On"]

Jarrod used to come to my mom’s store every so often with his mom, but that summer I didn’t see him once. I asked how he was doing and his mom told me he was fine and had gone to summer camp, but I knew camp didn’t last all summer and that he was avoiding me.

At the last minute during the first week of my second grade year, my parents decided to put me, along with my two brothers, in private school. I was glad because I hated my teacher Miss Jay. Jarrod had been put in a different section so we weren’t in the same class, but I did see him during break and lunch. He still wouldn’t talk to or acknowledge me. I wouldn’t see him again for almost 5 years, nor did I ever see Jimmy again. And I can't stand bologna.

To be continued…

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those persons referenced.

"Take My Money, My House and My Car..."

...and while you're at it, take my dignity, too!

Unless you're strung out and "Feenin'" like Jodeci, most people wouldn't give all that up -- especially for some joker you're not even married to and hasn't at least shown you in some way that he'd give you the same in return. I'm speaking as a female here, but I'm sure this goes for both men and women, gay or straight.

Today, I am beside myself with grief (we are sharing a loveseat right now!). I can't seem to figure out why all these educated (which I could say "smart" or "intelligent" but...) females are getting wrapped up with jokers who not only don't treat them right, but who have nothing good to show for the 20+ to 40+ years they've been on this earth. With all the books and talk shows out there showing people getting taken advantage of every day by their spouses, friends, family, etc., why does it seem that when it comes to love relationships, all these educated people are dumb enough to put up with any ole crap that happens to get stuck to the bottom of their shoes?

Somebody, please help me understand. All I can assume is that they: (1) have low self-esteem and feel they can't do any better; (2) felt unloved as a child so now they take whatever "forms" of love they can get, i.e. believing "sex" equates to "love;" (3) are desperate to have children and think they're clock's going to stop ticking; or (4) are just lonely as hell and want someone around - even if it is only once a month for 2 hours.

Man, I can't call it. Don't get me wrong -- I've been there, too. I overstand what it's like to feel lonely and want some companionship or a man to just touch me in the morning before he walks away. Lord knows I've dealt with my load of bull-isht, and I, too, have kayaked in the river called De-nial. But it never lasted for long. I think the longest I ever dated a dude after I started seeing the signs of laziness, moochiness, and disrespect was just under 2 months and I thought that was too much time wasted. But I'm seeing women stay with these boys (can't call them "men") for years. I'm perusing the stories (both new and old) of friends and their relationships with men in my mind and I'm sitting here like Miss Celie, screaming, "Whyyyyyyy?"

Well, since folks might see this blog someday, I can't call anybody out. What I will offer is some common sense pointers that perhaps we just need to be reminded of.
I can't speak for everybody, but this is just my truthiness on the subject -- things I would never put up with.

I call this list: "When You Know He Ain't Right" (for me).

1. When he only comes over after 10pm and doesn't take you out in public.
2. When it's been over 6 months and you've never met any of his friends or family.
3. When he doesn't have a job or some sort of income for more than a couple months and you are helping to pay his bills/child support, and he shows no promise of finding employment and shows no guilt about taking your money.
4. When he is over 30 years old and owns nothing but some electronics (TV, Stereo, etc.) and has no savings in the bank.
5. When he does not have his own vehicle and you are in a city that does not have a subway system.
6. When he has lied to you about stupid stuff that have nothing to do with surprising you with a gift.
7. When his mama comes to his place every so often to clean.
8. When he is over 25 and lives with his mama, and she has no serious illness or need for him to be there. Caveat: Unless he says and can prove that he is saving for a home purchase or some other fabulis reason.
9. When he wants to move in with you as soon as he moves out of his mama house. OR if he wants to move in with you (into your place) within 3 months of meeting you.
10. When you find female clothing or other items that aren't yours in his home (Don't buy that, "That must be from when my sister/cousin was here" mess.)
11. When he has been "starting his own business" since you met him over a year ago and still has no business cards or clients.
12. When he orders "Merlot" with dinner and clearly pronounces the "t".
13. When you have to ask if you can use your own car whenever he's not using it. And, he never puts gas in the tank when he is driving it all the time.
14. When you gave him the drawz on dates 1, 2, or 3 and you haven't heard from him since via anything other than text message or IM (or he doesn't contact you at all)
15. When he is consistently late or standing you up and/or his only excuse is "I had to make a run."
16. When his cell phone rings off the hook after 11pm and he never answers it around you.
17. When his way of proving he's a good father is saying, "I send my child support every month," or when he sees his child less than every other week and lives in the same city. He should also be on the phone with his child at least once a day too.
18. When he never lets you come over to his place.
19. When he always turns the ringer off on his phone when you're together.
20. When he calls you out of your name (and it's not a cute pet name).
21. When you have fear around him - either fear of him, or for yourself or your child in general.
22. When you ask him to house-sit for you and you come home to find all your souvenir bottles of liquor you brought back from other countries have been opened and half emptied, all your plants are dead, your cats have no food in the bowl, your car (which you asked him not to drive) has french fries between the seat and center console that you didn't drop, your pet turtle is gone (most likely dead), the antique lamp your mama gave you is smashed to pieces and you're picking dried up pepperoni and pizza sauce out of your white carpet from all around and underneath your sofa.

OK, I'm sure I've forgotten some, so feel free to add more to the list. But consider this: Whatever you're putting up with now, won't change when you get get married. Really spend some time thinking about whether you want to put up with his/her behavior for the rest of your life. Some things that seem cute at first can end up buggin' the hell out of you. And only you can decide whether you can forgive him and trust him enough to believe he'll never do "it" again... whatever "it" may be.

Alls I'm sayin' is, you gotta love and respect yourself. Learn to be content with your own company. Do what you gotta do - hell, watch a movie, read a book or pleasure yourself (take that however you want to). But don't give up your dignity and let your low self esteem keep you in a relationship that is only draining you. C'mon, get your head right! You have to believe that you are a child of God and worthy of greatness - worthy of respect.

Some men take til they're 40 to get some Act Right. Some never do. But believe that there are some good ones out there. Make it the norm to expect that they come to the table with something. Not necessarily as much as you have, but at the very least, respect. If they truly respect God and themselves, then they will respect you as long as you've presented yourself in a respectful way (that last part is important!). If they really have that, they can't help but be hard-working, honest, loving and giving to you and on their way to greatness just like you.

What's Really in a Wink?

What exactly does a wink really mean these days?
wink: Pronunciation: 'wi[ng]k. verb1 : to shut one eye briefly as a signal or in teasing

Signal for what though? Say somebody winked at you, like, ummmm, ohhh... let's just say.... your girl's man. Ok, here's the sichy-ay-shun. Picture it... Sicily... 1948. OK, fa real doh... We were at a little cocktail party. This was only the second time I'd ever encountered him. Anyway, I'm having a good time chatting it up with friends, and I just happen to look around and catch him looking at me. I casually continue my glance around the room. I then look at him again and he's still staring at me and then he winks. Very clearly winks. I don't think there was something in his eye and I'm sure he was looking at me cuz I double checked. So, I quickly look away not believing I saw what I saw. Approx 2-3 seconds later, I look back and catch him still looking and he smiles at me. A slick, heeby-jeebyish smile.

Needless to say I haven't told my girl. I can't - right, Ladies? Could I be wrong that this was a come-on? Fellas, what does it mean when you wink at a female? And would you wink at your woman's girl in just a friendly way? This has been buggin' me for a minute. So, whatdya think?

I'm Not Done Yet

Dear LOVE,

You spoke to me just now while I was in the shower. And I'm so grateful for being able to hear You. How wondrous it feels to hear Your voice and know You are with me.

"I'm not done yet," You said.

I thought, "Say what?"

Lately, I've been hurting, stressing, being down about turning older and still being single -- having relationship after relationship and having them not work out… thinking - what's wrong with me? Why does it seem so many others are finding love and commitment, and marriage and family, and I'm not? I feel I'm ready, so what am I doing wrong? But I had a revelation today!

It's not me! When I think back on every single relationship I've been in, the one thing that was consistent throughout was that I really loved each of them. People search all their lives for their one true love, and while I'm still waiting for mine - the man you've destined to be my husband and the father of my children, I can say without doubt that every man I ever loved knew that I loved him with all my heart. Not one of them ever said, "M--, you didn't show me you loved me enough," or "M--, you didn't love me as much as I loved you," or "M--, I needed you to love me more." All of them had no doubt in their minds that I loved them. And it wasn't a partial love where part of my heart belonged to someone else from the past and I could only love the current man with a limited kind of love. Each of them were loved with my whole heart - with my complete attention.

I never cheated, never strayed. I truly loved them with all that was in me. Over time I've become bitter and today I realized the bitterness is not comprised of the hurts they caused or the things they did wrong in the relationship (well maybe alittle bit is). But for the most part, I've been bitter with myself! I've been angry with me because I loved them too hard - too fiercely - with total abandon. I put my whole self into each relationship and rewrote my whole life to fit their story - whether it was just for 6 months or three and a half years. I gave too much, I loved too much, I did too much for them, I worked too hard to make it work. and in the end, I failed. But what were Jesus' two greatest commands laid down to man?

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. And Love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22: 37-39

So, in essence, I was simply following Jesus' command. However, I found fault in my love. I loved those men as Your Son described in the first commandment, when I should have been loving You that way. And I didn't love the men as I loved myself, but rather as something more than myself - as if they were gods. How wrong I felt. But today you said, "That's alright, my daughter." And yes, it is! For how can there ever be error in loving someone?

All that love that I poured out on them came back to me: every single one of those men loved me in their own unique way and each taught me something about love, about myself and about other people that helped shape me into who I am today... It has happened repeatedly when I look back on my life: whenever I feel I've given too much of myself, of my love to someone, I receive more love than I deserve from someone else, either another man, a friend, or a family member, and sometimes even a stranger. Thank you, Love! You just keep giving me more and more. So I know it will only get better and better.

It wasn't me! My relationships ended because not one of them was right for me - not because of something I did wrong. I did everything as best I could, and that's all anyone could ask, and that's all I could ask of each of them. They each loved me in their own way - they just could not love me the way I needed to be loved. So, it is alright to have loved and lost. More than alright - it's wonderful. I did not fail. I succeeded at doing what You've wanted me to do all along. You created me to love - that was Your purpose for me before my bones were even fashioned, and I've learned to do it well, for you've given me a heart that heals and is able to love over and over again, and stronger and better each time. Every time I love someone, I am loving You more, and I am pleasing You. So that cannot be wrong!

My friends tell me "Girl, you love too hard. You give too much." But there is no "too much" when it comes to loving and giving. I should never be ashamed to have loved even if the person I loved didn't give it back, for I was contributing to some one's joy: to the universe's joy. And the universe gives that joy back to me in so many other ways! Even if it's in the solitude of my own home, when I am at peace and have a quiet joy in my heart. Even if that joy is being still and hearing from You, Lord.

Just like today. I've felt like throwing in the towel and trying a different method. I told myself I would only give as much as I received and would have to receive first before I started giving in return. Yes, I was teaching myself to be selfish. But how can I ration love when You give it to me unconditionally? Who am I to ration love when it's all around me and I'm so full of it? Love isn't love until you've given it away, so I can't expect to receive that which I am not willing to give. You said, "Don't stop loving, my child. Don't stop giving, and feeling, and being who you are. For I have provisioned far more love for you than you've ever dreamed of. I'm not done yet."

(C) Sept 2, 2004