I'm Not Done Yet

Dear LOVE,

You spoke to me just now while I was in the shower. And I'm so grateful for being able to hear You. How wondrous it feels to hear Your voice and know You are with me.

"I'm not done yet," You said.

I thought, "Say what?"

Lately, I've been hurting, stressing, being down about turning older and still being single -- having relationship after relationship and having them not work out… thinking - what's wrong with me? Why does it seem so many others are finding love and commitment, and marriage and family, and I'm not? I feel I'm ready, so what am I doing wrong? But I had a revelation today!

It's not me! When I think back on every single relationship I've been in, the one thing that was consistent throughout was that I really loved each of them. People search all their lives for their one true love, and while I'm still waiting for mine - the man you've destined to be my husband and the father of my children, I can say without doubt that every man I ever loved knew that I loved him with all my heart. Not one of them ever said, "M--, you didn't show me you loved me enough," or "M--, you didn't love me as much as I loved you," or "M--, I needed you to love me more." All of them had no doubt in their minds that I loved them. And it wasn't a partial love where part of my heart belonged to someone else from the past and I could only love the current man with a limited kind of love. Each of them were loved with my whole heart - with my complete attention.

I never cheated, never strayed. I truly loved them with all that was in me. Over time I've become bitter and today I realized the bitterness is not comprised of the hurts they caused or the things they did wrong in the relationship (well maybe alittle bit is). But for the most part, I've been bitter with myself! I've been angry with me because I loved them too hard - too fiercely - with total abandon. I put my whole self into each relationship and rewrote my whole life to fit their story - whether it was just for 6 months or three and a half years. I gave too much, I loved too much, I did too much for them, I worked too hard to make it work. and in the end, I failed. But what were Jesus' two greatest commands laid down to man?

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. And Love your neighbor as yourself." Matthew 22: 37-39

So, in essence, I was simply following Jesus' command. However, I found fault in my love. I loved those men as Your Son described in the first commandment, when I should have been loving You that way. And I didn't love the men as I loved myself, but rather as something more than myself - as if they were gods. How wrong I felt. But today you said, "That's alright, my daughter." And yes, it is! For how can there ever be error in loving someone?

All that love that I poured out on them came back to me: every single one of those men loved me in their own unique way and each taught me something about love, about myself and about other people that helped shape me into who I am today... It has happened repeatedly when I look back on my life: whenever I feel I've given too much of myself, of my love to someone, I receive more love than I deserve from someone else, either another man, a friend, or a family member, and sometimes even a stranger. Thank you, Love! You just keep giving me more and more. So I know it will only get better and better.

It wasn't me! My relationships ended because not one of them was right for me - not because of something I did wrong. I did everything as best I could, and that's all anyone could ask, and that's all I could ask of each of them. They each loved me in their own way - they just could not love me the way I needed to be loved. So, it is alright to have loved and lost. More than alright - it's wonderful. I did not fail. I succeeded at doing what You've wanted me to do all along. You created me to love - that was Your purpose for me before my bones were even fashioned, and I've learned to do it well, for you've given me a heart that heals and is able to love over and over again, and stronger and better each time. Every time I love someone, I am loving You more, and I am pleasing You. So that cannot be wrong!

My friends tell me "Girl, you love too hard. You give too much." But there is no "too much" when it comes to loving and giving. I should never be ashamed to have loved even if the person I loved didn't give it back, for I was contributing to some one's joy: to the universe's joy. And the universe gives that joy back to me in so many other ways! Even if it's in the solitude of my own home, when I am at peace and have a quiet joy in my heart. Even if that joy is being still and hearing from You, Lord.

Just like today. I've felt like throwing in the towel and trying a different method. I told myself I would only give as much as I received and would have to receive first before I started giving in return. Yes, I was teaching myself to be selfish. But how can I ration love when You give it to me unconditionally? Who am I to ration love when it's all around me and I'm so full of it? Love isn't love until you've given it away, so I can't expect to receive that which I am not willing to give. You said, "Don't stop loving, my child. Don't stop giving, and feeling, and being who you are. For I have provisioned far more love for you than you've ever dreamed of. I'm not done yet."

(C) Sept 2, 2004