Heffa, Say What?!?!

As I'm still on this theme of friendships and rationalizing how selfish people can be, my sister has asked me for a guest list for our engagement/farewell/bridal shower party she's throwing me and Mr. Hi-Fi before the migration to ATL. So, I'm going through my contacts list and come across those few people who I feel I don't really want to invite but it's kinda political and would be awkward if I don't. But who cares cuz I'm moving away, right? RIGHT! For the most part, I throw out all the names except for two... I have history with them. We had some good times. They've been there for me back in the day. But for whatever reason they did things that hurt me. Maybe not intentionally, but they hurt me. And after I expressed my hurt, they did it again. So I distanced myself and only speak to them once in a blue moon. I rationalized it by saying, "Well, she is just a very flirtatious, touchy-feely person and maybe she wasn't consciously thinking that she was flirting with my man," and, "Well, she was going through her own thing and just needed time to herself, so she probably doesn't mean to be sometimey or cut me off like that (then come back when she needs something)." So maybe I should invite them... Hmmmm.... I'm a punk, right?

How many chances do you give someone before you write them off completely? The Bible says to forgive 70 x 7 times. Shooooot. That's being called a fool, ain't it? And then there's the thing where I can forgive but not give them the opportunity to hurt me again... but that to me is not true forgiveness if you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable again. Well, anyway as I struggle with the decision to invite, or not invite, I thought I'd share this poem I wrote on an occasion with one of these "friends" hurt me. See what you think... would you forgive?

Heffa Say What?!?!
© October 28, 2005

It was raining like mad,
He dropped me off at the front door
Then came in a few minutes later
As drool from her lips hit the floor.

As he walked up and took my hand
she said, “I’d do him anytime, any day”
And then looked at me as if waiting
For whatever it was I had to say.

With daring in her eyes
She looked right in my face
And I turned toward her
And lessened our in-between space.

I wanted to say “Hold up,
don’t make me have to kick your butt,”
But all I could think to say was
Heffa Say What?

My girl told me one day
“I have a confession I’m making”
But what she should’ve said is,
“I have an obsession with taking.”

It seems she accidentally tripped
And fell on my man’s chest
Said she was just playing
And didn’t mean to be all on his breasts.

Said they were tight and hard
But it didn’t mean nothin’,
So MY chest got swole and tight
And I started huffin’ and puffin’.

So with fire in my eyes
And daggers on my lips,
I calmly watched her sashay away,
And she playful switched her hips.

I wanted to send her
Ever so quickly down south
With a nice, firm,
open-handed slap in the mouth.

But I’m a Christian
And that wouldn’t be the Godly thing to do
But what I said wasn’t enough
And I can’t be made out to be no fool.

I wanted to say
Watch out now, Don’t get cut
But the shock only left me with the words:
Heffa Say What?

She giggled like I was joking
And it was no big deal
Little did she know
My feelings weren’t about to heal.

I shoulda cold-cocked her in the jaw
or punched her in the gut,
But all I could think to say was
Heffa Say What?

This wasn’t the first time she did this,
And I knew she knew better,
So I had to accept the fact,
That who I called “friend” was indeed a heffa.

What I did perhaps wasn’t tough,
And what I said may have seemed weak
But to this day I’m thankful
That I’m still in one piece.

Cuz women can be violent,
Nasty and mean,
But I still got my dignity and my man,
And my self esteem.

I’ve realized people will diss you,
And respect is not a rule,
And you can’t always be the one
To take folks to school.

So if your ego gets bruised
By some skanky ole mutt,
Just remember don’t get mad at yourself,
If all you can say is Heffa Say what?!?!?!

Are People Inherently... Selfish?

I've always believed that people are inherently good. I've always tried to give people the benefit of the doubt. I've made excuses for people who've done me wrong. I treat people the way I would want to be treated. AND I've been taken advantage of.

This should be the happiest time of my life. I'm engaged to be married, I have new adventures with Hi-Fi and the fun of designing a new home in a new place to look forward to. I am successful in my career and I have a loving family and loving friends... well... a few friends. As I get older, it seems that the people I can call "friend" are fewer and fewer. In a few weeks I will leave the DC area, which is where I've lived my entire adult life. It's alittle scary - picking up and moving to another state where I have only a couple friends. My saving grace is that my future husband will be there for me. But we all need friends -- preferably more than just one.

Today, what saddens me is that my sister has to come from halfway around the world - London - to give me a farewell/engagement/bridal shower party. True, she is my maid of honor and my only bridesmaid in my wedding, and that's what maids of honor do; but all my "friends" know she doesn't live here. Only one friend suggested she'd like to give me an engagement party back in February but I guess I didn't push it because I didn't want that financial burden on her. She and my other closest friend did take us to dinner, though, and I'm thankful for that. But where is everyone else? Where are all my girls to be happy for me? To go with me to try on gowns? To consult with on invitations and jewelry? To help me make those important wedding decisions? To help me pack my stuff as I get ready to move? To be sad and tell me they wished I weren't moving and they'll miss me?

I've always been a friend as best as I can. I'm there for people. I listen and I advise (when asked). I share my knowledge, my food, my home, my money. I've painted rooms, helped clean, given free design work, and treated to dinner when someone's pockets were tight. I send cards or gifts even when I never received one from them. I give rides and do favors and almost never ask for anything in return - and definitely nothing that would inconvenience someone. So, in my time of nervousness and excitement with a looming move and upcoming marriage, where are those who are supposed to be there to bolster me, love me, encourage me?

I dunno. You tell me.

I know people are busy and everybody's got their own "stuff" but are people so self-centered that they can't take the time to make a phone call or reach out to me? Do they think, "Oh, she's leaving DC, so I don't have to invest in that friendship anymore,"?

I've gotten to the point where I don't think people are so inherently good anymore. I'm starting to believe people are inherently selfish and all they care about is what they can get from you. I'm tired of getting phone calls only when someone needs something. How about returning my calls when I just want to see how you're doing? Or how about just calling me to see how I'm doing?

SIGH.

Well, nobody likes a pity party - especially me. I just really wonder: What happened to being a friend for the sake of friendship? What happened to being happy for the blessings of your friends instead of being jealous that you don't have what they have? What happened to caring and being there for someone? Is it this crazy money-hungry DC area that breeds this selfish way of life? Is it the commercialism and idea that "whoever has the most toys wins" and that we're all in some sort of competition to get to the finish line first? Is it all about how we were reared by our parents? Too many questions to answer that leave me wondering on that ole saying...

"A friend in need is a friend indeed." But there is also a Latin proverb that says, "If you always live with those who are lame, you will yourself learn to limp." I refuse to limp.

Ode to Spring

ahhh glorious spring has sprung
and like the birds, I'm soaring
high on anti-allergy drugs that make me groggy and feel blah.
my eyes itch as i take in your splendor of budding flowers and trees
and i want to nap and be lazy.

oh wonderful springtime!
i'm floating like the tiny pollen molecules that stick to my clothes and inner sinuses
and coat my car and kitchen counters in a chartreuse haze.
should i close the windows and trap them inside?
no -- for i must circulate air and savor these few days of rest for the heat pump.
yes, majestic spring, you spring hope in my heart --
to have one month that my electricity bill will be under $400.
oh, to dream!

thank you, mother nature, for beautiful springtime!
you gift us with warmth so that hoochies can now wear less and less clothing
and show all their business when nobody wants to see,
and hammertime feet may come out of hibernation
to grip the edges of too-small sandals
and threaten to scrape the sidewalk.

ahh glorious spring --
your beauty and majesty enfolds me and i am smitten
with the dandelions and unnamed weeds that claim my lawn...
they stand tall as they stare boldly at my weed-wacker and yell,
"YOU WANT SUMMA DIS?"

i shake my fist at them and yell:
"DAMN YOU, SPRINGTIME!" but i'm glad winter's over.